Q&A: Work Family
Q: I just took over a team where the old manager would say “work is like my family” and it always made me uncomfortable. I consider some of them friends, but my real family is my family. I wouldn’t make the same sacrifices for work that I would the most important people in my life. I want to seem like a team player but at the same time I don’t want to just go along with this idea. How do I approach this?
A: You are not alone in this idea. And if the last few years have taught us anything, the feelings are not reciprocated.
Without belaboring the point too much, being able to separate work and family life is key to setting boundaries. When teams try to use the “we are family” idea, it makes this increasingly difficult. Why? Because when it comes down to it, we would do anything for our family. We help out, we go the extra mile and expect nothing in return simply because they are family.
That’s not the case with work. Your job is in fact a job. You perform certain tasks or duties in return for a paycheck (and whatever benefits you have too). There should be an expectation that if you do more, go the extra mile and put in extra you should be rewarded in return. It is a wild concept; do more work, get more in your paycheck.
Somewhere along the line, this idea got lost. And the expectation became we should work hard, put in the extra time to maybe get a 3% pay bump if we are a top performer. But the reason we should really do it is because your work is like your family. And you’d do anything for your family right? The flip side is we expect this “do anything” mentality to be reciprocated. That even when times get tough, our “family” will be there to support us. The opposite is true, there might be tears, there might be compensation, but at the end of the day they are still willing to cut ties without much warning.
This is how we end up working extra hours watching our PTO pile up, feeling our motivation to do any worthwhile work fade because it is out of obligation rather than our own internal drivers. We get stressed, apply undo pressure to tasks and feel like anything we do for ourselves hurts our “family”. We hangout online later just in case someone needs something, or we say yes to jumping on an unnecessary early meeting because we want to be there for support. Meanwhile, our actual family is left in the lurch, waiting for us to finish up with our other “family”.
If you approach it from an honest and open stance then the team will probably feel pretty good about it. You set the stage for everyone to make the delineation clear between professional and personal life. By setting expectations that are in line with your role/job function will help alleviate some of that burden, and in turn the burden the team feels as well. Not only that, it will help you in the long run as it pertains to things like your performance and motivation. Plus, avoiding the dreaded buzzword of “burnout” by actually taking time away from work to engage in activities that matter to you personally.
The most difficult part might be managing the “family members” at work who take on the role of the critic (there is a famous phrase about opinions and how they smell). If your team is getting their work done and still contributing, then other’s criticism probably comes from a place of not understanding (or flat out envy). They will probably stress over the tasks that they put extra pressure on to complete because it’s for their “family” or log into work on a Sunday morning “just in case someone needs something”, which will lead to them eventually totally burning out. You and your team will maintain the balance needed to keep performing at your best, and in the long run, see more results.
